Hidden Memories
by Mockingbird Quester
Summary: The bridge crew of The Enterprise suffer a psychic attack and share their experience in the aftermath. Jim Kirk relives memories of Tarsus IV. How much will he tell them about the experience? Multipart with some violence and death. K/S slash. COMPLETED!
1. Chapter 1

_Prompt for this fic: Kirk was on Tarsus IV. Something causes the crew to relieve the worst moment in their lives (your choice what causes it). It's discovered that the only way to truly break the cycle of reliving whatever memory it is, is to share it. Cue the bridge crew sharing...and Kirk trying to lie...but eventually spilling it then bolting because he's afraid of the reactions. Spock follows..._

Jim had no idea how long it lasted, but it seemed like days. Later his first officer would claim they were only under psychic attack for 7.5 moment Kirk was on the bridge of The Enterprise, the next he was on a planet he would recognize forever, that played a prominent role in his nightmares. He was part of a massive crowd, losing sight of the aunt and cousins he had been visiting on Tarsus IV. There had been a military coup, and no one knew what would happen now. Food supplies had become scarce and when military began sweeping homes and rounding people throughout the colonies into the main town center, it didn't appear to be a good sign.

People were screaming around him, and he ducked down, pushing himself against the direction they were being herded towards. He made it into a alcove and hid in the shadows, watching. A few minutes later he saw a small boy, who couldn't have been more than five or six years old, standing confused at the end of the alley. Without even thinking, Jim grabbed the child and pulled him back into the shadows as well, working them behind debris to hide their heard someone speaking over a sound system, words he would never forget.

"The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV."

Seconds later, he was glad that he had placed his hand over the little boy's mouth, keeping him from crying out. The sound of phasers was unmistakable. Bodies fell and the people who were still alive screamed and began trying to fight their way free of the guards surrounding them. Jim couldn't see the people who had already fallen, but he could see the reactions of those who were where he would have been if he hadn't broken away and hidden. He heard them scream and beg, and saw them fall. He watched a guard nudge one of them with his foot and turn dismissively away, and beneath his hand he felt the boy he was holding sob and mouth "Mama..."

He remember the hiding and the constant hunger, the fear and the horror. Holding the little boy, whose name was Kevin Riley, as he cried quietly at night and promising Starfleet would be there soon, even as he wondered if they have even been contacted. Glimpses of survivors eating meat, when the only meat anywhere was one kind he couldn't bring himself to consume, not even to stay alive.

The terror when they were finally captured and brought before Kodos himself and his own conviction they would die then, only to be told that the government had decided to keep alive as many children as they could support, especially children related to those important to the Kodos, executioner of thousands in the eyes as he stated, "My mother is a Starfleet officer and my father was the hero who was captain of The Kelvin."

Feeling icy chills go up his spine when Kodos smiled at him and said, "I have a special job for you, James Tiberius Kirk."Leaving Kevin at a makeshift orphanage and lying about who the child was, claiming he was the only surviving son of the aunt he had been staying with, thus related to a Starfleet science officer and hoping it would be enough to protect him. Being led to a barracks full of young teenagers his age, all of whom were being used to "keep order" besides the guards with what remained of the starving population. Realizing he might have to kill innocent people in order to stay alive and swearing to himself to turn the weapon on himself first, ending the pain and the hunger.

Running away, trying to escape with the two children he had been ordered to kill. Wondering how he was going to hide himself and protect them. How would he keep any of them alive with a army of child soldiers stalking them and no food to survive with?

In this reality, there was no relief when Starfleet managed to appear, no tearful reunion with his mother, no being stationed with her on The Endeavor on the way back to earth, slowly recovering and building his starved body back up, no long meetings with the ship counselors about what he had experienced, or interviews besides other survivors. The worst parts of his experience simply replayed again and again. The pain of hunger, the horror of death and the fear of causing it himself. Unending and endless...


	2. Chapter 2

It was Spock who brought him out of the memories, at least partially.

In his mind, his was thirteen again, watching bodies fall and hearing the hopeless cries of those who were next, when suddenly a Vulcan appeared beside him, amazing and out of place in the strange environment. Jim Kirk realized he wasn't a boy anymore and he knew who the other man was. His relief was a living entity when he breathed out simply, "Spock!"

The Vulcan looked on at what was happening, expression impassive as he stated, "Captain, the entire bridge is being affected similarly. A message that Lt. Uhura intercepted contained some sort of weapon that is able to attack our minds. I was able to convince myself that what I was experiencing was not logical, and initiate this mind meld with you, but the memories are still present in my mind. If you will share with me what is happening then perhaps I can help you do the same."

So Jim showed him, feeling guilty to place such horror in his mind but unable not to show it to Spock, to share it with someone. They reached the end and this time he was able to continue to the events' conclusions, to safety and family and food and Earth.

Then he did the same with Spock through the mindmeld, experiencing his first officer's pain at always being different. His childhood being ridiculed for being too human and the shame at being unable to control himself adequately. Memories of harsh words and fists, disdaining expressions and small signs of prejudice. The bullying he was forced to endure, the insults aimed at his family growing up, His father's disapproval when he left for Earth, and then discovering that if he was too human on Vulcan he was still too Vulcan for Earth. The isolation and loneliness, the fear he would never be accepted anywhere in the universe. His mother, the one person who accepted him completely, lost to him forever in Vulcan's destruction.

Helping Spock work past that was easier for Jim. Moving him into the memories of Spock's caring from Nyota, the respect and friendship of the crew, the deep bond and affection and sheer need of his presence from his Captain that grew stronger daily. The emotions and self-acceptance Jim had sensed through the mind meld with the older, Ambassador Spock. All these things were sufficient to break the cycle of painful returning as he finally felt like he was within his own body and he watched numbly as Spock moved to the communications panel and cut off the transmission.

Jim began moving around the bridge, trying to access everyone's condition. Spock was holding Nyota in his arms, and it was obvious she was crying. Jim placed a handon Sulu's shoulder and the hand that reached up to clasp him was trembling. They both turned to Chekov and found him with his knees pulled to his chest and tears silently streaming down his face. "Chekov..." Kirk called quietly. When there was no response still it was Sulu who moved forward to embrace him, softly whispering "Pavel, it's alright now..."

At that moment, Yeoman Rand came running onto the bridge followed by an out of breath Dr. McCoy. "Dammit Jim! We didn't know what was going on but we sealed off the Bridge trying to contain it. What the hell happened??!"Bones began examining each of them in turn, before ordering them all the medbay for further testing. It was a sign of how traumatized they all were that no one, not even Spock protested. Medical scanning showed they were all stressed, but with no lasting harm.

The science division was working on the booby trapped message, along with communication officers. Looking at his bridge crew's shell shocked faces, Jim decided none of them needed to deal with the aftermath of this alone, including himself."Bones has cleared us all but wants us on R&R until tomorrow. I want to see all of you in the rec room at 0900 hours. That IS an order."Then he went back to his quarters and collapsed until he was awoken by the door chime.


	3. Chapter 3

Kirk wasn't really surprised to find Spock was the person at his door. It usually tended to be his first officer's job to collect him for various duties.

Spock nodded his head slightly in greeting, "Captain, I wish to speak with you regarding our meeting tonight."

Jim motioned him inside and replied, "What about it?"

"May I inquire as to the purpose of the bridge crew meeting?"

Jim smirked at him as he found a clean work out shirt and changed into it. "Ever heard the phrase 'Misery loves company'?"

"Captain…"

"Call me Jim, Spock. It's not as though you weren't in my mind earlier today."

There was a soft sound that seemed to be the Vulcan version of an exasperated sigh. "Jim, it is 1950 hours. We should depart."

"See? Was that so hard?"

Arching his eyebrow in a way that Jim had long ago decided was the Vulcan equivalent of a human eyeroll, Spock followed Kirk to the ship's recreation area.

All of the remaining bridge crew were already present, and when the captain arrived he noted the wary glances.

Herb, the ship's recreation officer, showed them to a private room that contained a number of comfortable chairs and a large table. Jim sat down at it and gestured for everyone one else to do the same. It was dead silent until Jim began to speak.

"Today we all went through a very traumatic event. The psychic attack we went through was pretty much a mental rape, forcing us to experience our darkest memories. It is our CMO's professional opinion that none of us should be on duty tomorrow, and we should be spending the next few days in session with the ship's counselor."

Noting mentally that no one seemed thrilled with the concept, Jim was glad to see the recreation officer enter with a number of containers from the strictly controlled alcohol.

Kirk grinned and grabbed the nearest bottle. "Personally I'd rather drown our sorrows the old fashioned way. If you would feel better talking about this morning while doing so, feel free. If not, know that you're off duty tomorrow and that Dr. McCoy has already agreed to allow us some hypos to treat hangovers, which he almost never does. Get stinkin' drunk if you'd like."

With that, he poured a shot of vodka, downed it and prepared another.

Spock was giving him a stoic look that Jim had come to recognize as exasperated before stating, "Captain, Vulcan physiology is not affected by alcohol."

Jim gave him a look as though he had just suggested that Vulcans had five heads.

After a slight pause, he managed, "How do you get sloshed then?"

"I don't." was the reply.

Uhura laughed and began mixing her own approximation of some alien drink that was bright orange. Smirking at her ex-boyfriend, she turned to Herb and whispered to him. A few minutes later, the recreation officer returned with a bottle of chocolate liqueur.

With Spock glaring daggers at her, Uhura handed the bottle to their captain with a wicked grin. "Vulcans react in a very similar way to Terran chocolate."

Jim grinned and began considering all the ways he could use this knowledge. If he had his way, there would be a large triple chocolate cake at every ship party until their tour was complete.

Giving Uhura his most charming smile, Kirk gushed with "I love you Nyota. Marry me and have a dozen beautiful children?"

It earned him a derisive snort and rolled eyes. "There's not enough alcohol in the universe, Captain."

"It's Jim for the rest of tonight, and that goes for everyone in this room. Every time someone calls me 'Captain', I'm gonna make you take a shot of something alcoholic but foul tasting. Got it?"

His bridge crew began grabbing drinks and finding seats at the table. Of course it was Spock who had to point out the obvious.

"Capt..Jim, as senior officer I must point out that Ensign Chekov is not of legal age to consume alcoholic beverages." This earned him looks that could kill from both Chekov and Sulu.

Kirk regarded the younger man thoughtfully for a moment. "Ensign, do you drink?"

Chekov nodded. "Since I was thirteen, Kep… Jim, sir."

"Promise not to give yourself alcohol poisoning?"

"Yes, Keptain… I mean, Jim!"

Kirk grinned and handed him a shot glass full of something neon green. "Too late! I heard that, so drink up!"

The next two hours passed quickly. Jim regaled them with stories of various bar brawls he was in during his misspent youth. Uhura began a discussion on various alien races and the various words they used to describe levels of intoxication and Sulu and Chekov started a debate on artificial intelligence. Spock mostly sat and glared at the various glasses of chocolate that Uhura and Kirk pressed upon him, which he tried to sip very little of.

It was Chekov who changed the entire mood of the gathering.

Later, Jim thought he should have realized that their youngest officer had the most potential to be an emotional drunk.


	4. Chapter 4

The normal conversation going on in the room suddenly ceased, and Jim realized their youngest member was describing what he had experienced this morning. No one interrupted as Chekov did.

"It vas… three years ago. We were in a shuttlecraft, traveling to a conference on Janus III. I was invited to participate due to a paper one of my professors submitted. It vas a great honor and I was allowed to bring my parents because I was a minor."

"We were all so excited. It was the first time we had traveled from Earth. It was only a few hours into the flight. My parents were resting in our quarters and I was in the food station, getting something to eat. I was fourteen and growing, so was always hungry." Considering that Chekov still seemed to eat meals equivalent to his body weight, that wasn't surprising.

"At the time I didn't know what had happened, but it was a simple piece of space debris the sensors did not register. There was a feeling of… impact? And all the doors to civilian quarters sealed off. All the people in the section of the ship were just … gone. My parents were gone."

"When we got to Janus III, I was taken off the ship but I saw it. Part of the hull was torn away. My parents were spaced when it happened, and for a long time I wish to have been too. "

"I have only a brother, Piotr, and he puts the blame to me for them dying. He won't speak to me, since the funeral. He refuses my messages always. "

"I was emancipated and finished school in Moscow. I came to Starfleet after because I want to be away. I have nothing left in Russia…"

He broke off into choked sobs. Sulu was instantly there with a hand patting Chekov's shoulder and a helpless look on his face. Uhura was on the other side of him, bent down near Pavel's ear and whispering comforting words in Russian.

For long awkward moments, Kirk poured drinks and began passing them around. Chekov gulped down what was put into his hand, and visibly calmed, looking flushed and embarrassed. Sulu kept his hand on the younger man's shoulder and began to speak himself.

"I feel stupid, because my worst memories weren't anything so terrible. I've been really lucky and had a good life, I guess. I just relived normal things mainly. There was my best friend dying when we were twelve years old. Her name was Demora and I still miss her. I wasn't there when she died, but I kept seeing it like I was during the attack this morning."

"Mainly it was seeing the debris of our fleet over Vulcan and trying to dodge Nero, and being afraid we were going to die because I wasn't a good enough pilot. I was dropping over Vulcan without a chute and realizing Kirk had grabbed on to me and it was going to be my fault that he died as well. Going back to the Academy and seeing my roommate and so many friends just… gone".

Hikaru's words tapered off and he sounded… lost.

"Just normal for all of us, right?"

Chekov leaned against Sulu's shoulder and fumbled a bit before grasping his friend's hand tightly. Kirk found himself wondering when and it his navigator and pilot would end up together as a couple. They were adorably obvious in their feelings for one another.

It was silent for a moment, other than the sound of glasses filling with liquid.

Jim hadn't expected Spock to feel the need to join in, and he doubted any of the others had either. He know what kind of memories Spock had experienced from their mind meld. He didn't expect Spock to share the torments of his childhood, but the Vulcan did make an attempt to describe some of his own pain.

"My own experience this morning focused on being helpless to prevent the destruction of my planet. The psychic reverberations of a telepathic race dying were understandably intense, and my mother…"

Spock glanced briefly at Sulu, who was still holding hands with Chekov.

"Like you Lieutenant, it is my most recent experience that had a strong effect on my being." Uhura moved beside Spock and gently touched her fingers to his. At first he pulled away, then he relaxed and gently allowed it. Apparently being drunk on chocolate let him do the Vulcan equivalent of making out with his ex-girlfriend.

It was Uhura who spoke next, and Spock allowed her to continue touching his hand as she spoke.

"There was a fire in our house when I was ten years old. I woke up smelling the smoke. Everything was dark and I could hear screaming. I still don't know how I made it out of the house with only minor burns, but my best friend was staying with us. I could hear her screaming from outside, but no one could reach her in time. I couldn't help her."

Uhura had spoken quietly, but suddenly began to sob at this point in the story. Spock looked horrified at the loss of emotional control, then patted her hand gently as she choked out a simple, "she died in the fire."

Uhura's panicked reaction to a recent fire in the engine room now seemed to make sense, and Jim filed the information that fire terrified her into something to consider during missions and emergency situations. He didn't need a key member of his crew incapacitated at the wrong time and he didn't want to torment her if putting her in a situation that reminded her of it was avoidable.

Uhura calmed herself and then looked slightly embarrassed. As a woman serving in the mostly male Starfleet, she had long ago learned to control her emotions more than her male counterparts in order to be accepted as equal. She didn't like being vulnerable in front of her other officers.

Uhura turned piercing eyes to Kirk and he suddenly wondered why he thought this bonding activity had been a good idea.

"So what's your story,… Jim?"

Laying on a charming smile, he feigned ignorance.

"Story, Nyota?"

She ignored the taunting use of her first name and pressed further.

"No one runs around having sex with every living being in the universe the way you do unless they're pretty fucked up, no offense."

"We've all laid our souls bare and it's only fair if you do the same." "What did you relive?"

Jim felt their eyes on his and faced a choice: tell the truth and mark himself forever in their eyes as one of the pitiful children who survived the Tarsus Massacre or tell a half truth and hope they wouldn't pry further.

He went with the half-truth. It was the logical choice.

"Fine, let's share", he said, refilling his glass and downing a shot of something that burned going down his throat. He knew by morning it would burn from his shouting out his nightmares instead and decided sleep might be overrated tonight.

"When I was a kid, I did something stupid and nearly got myself killed, 'cause I was pissed at my stepdad. My mom was off planet, my other family was… gone and I became a ward of the state. I was young enough to thing nothing bad could happen to me then. I learned differently."

The next part was harder though. How to explain what else happened in such a way that they couldn't connect the dots to Tarsus and Kodos?

"I didn't have anyone to look out for me. An adult took advantage of the fact that I was helpless to make me do some things I didn't want to do. I didn't have any choices, except running away. I spent a lot of time with other kids in a similar position, all of us just trying to survive. I was hungry a lot. I did what I could to survive."

"By the time I finally made it home to my mom, I wasn't some innocent kid anymore. I knew then I could survive anything, it just took awhile for me to _want_ to."

He looked down and realized the hands holding his glass were shaking. Damn, it would be a rough night…And his description made it sound more like a foster parent had molested him than he had survived a genocide, but he hadn't had to outright lie, at least.

Uhura looked… ashamed, he guessed. She had needled Jim, but his response hadn't been what she had expected.

Chekov had his mouth opening to ask a question before Sulu shook his head not to. Spock looked as though he was calculating a physics equation the result had been unexpected. At least he hadn't corrected Jim's version of events in front of everyone. Apparently it contained enough partial truths to satisfy Vulcan honesty.

Kirk got up and began moving towards the exit. "I believe that concludes our little talking circle. I'd say it's been fun but I don't think that true for any of us. I do think we can trust each other not to speak of anything you heard tonight outside of our inner circle." With a small salute and sardonic smile, Jim called out "Sweet dreams" as he left.

He knew his abrupt departure would freak everyone out but he couldn't face them anymore. One more question, and he would break down and tell them everything, damn the consequences.

Jim all but ran back to his quarter, heart pounding. All his memories of Tarsus were still too close to the surface. The mental walls he used to block them off just to function normally were nearly nonexistent.

One thing Tarsus had taught him was when to run and hide. This was one of those times.


	5. Chapter 5

When Jim heard the chime of someone at the door to his quarters, only a few minutes after he had reached it sanctuary, he ignored it. It sounded a few more times, and then whoever it was took the hint and left.

Despite knowing his dreams would likely be fitful, Jim crawled into bed. He pulled the coverlet over his body that was trembling in shock and reaction, placed his pillow over his head and faded into a restless oblivion. His body and mind couldn't cope any longer.

When Jim finally awoke hours later, there was a strange sound in the room he couldn't place. He emerged from his cocoon of blankets and found that Spock had pulled a chair near the bed and was sitting in it, sleeping. The sound was his soft breathing.

Spock looked different when asleep, Kirk realized. Smaller, more relaxed, more human. Jim fought a sudden urge to reach out and trace the delicate point of his ear, knowing that a conscious Spock would never allow such petting.

As though aware of Jim's disrespectful thoughts, Spock suddenly stirred and woke, and he opened eyes that studied Jim curiously. The blue eyes that met his were wary, glancing towards the door as though calculating his chance of escape.

"Jim…" Spock began cautiously, "I trust it is not your habit to run from emotionally vulnerable situations?"

It was so different from what Jim had expected Spock to say that he wasn't sure how to respond.

He saw a loose thread on his blanket and gently began to worry it with his fingers. He decided the least he owed Spock were some honest answers.

"Yes. No. I don't know. I've spent the last twelve years avoiding it. I don't tell anyone about it. I went through some therapy when I first came back to Earth, but I refused to talk, even then."

Spock lifted a quizzical eyebrow. "It is a proven fact that discussing traumatic events with a trained counselor helps alleviate their effects. It would be logical for you to do so."

Kirk sighed and forced himself to meet his friend's eyes. "Spock, I'm in Starfleet and a captain - do you really think that if I had told Starfleet psych even half of what I went through, that that would be the case? It's very easy to feed a psychologist small half-truths and let them think they know everything. It was the only way to not be regarded as unfit for command."

Spock was quiet for a few minutes, and Jim knew that meant he was processing what Jim had said.

"But it allows you to achieve no peace within yourself."

The words Jim spoke next were hard and bitter, full of old hatred. "There's no way Kodos died on Tarsus. No one even knew his real name when he took over, so they couldn't match DNA. He's still out there, alive somewhere. When he is finally caught and punished, then I'll have peace."

It was in Spock's mind to tell the Captain this was most illogical, and that such an event might never occur. He remembered his own hatred towards Nero that led him to ask Jim not to grant mercy, and tried to imagine how he would feel if he believed that Nero was still alive.

Spock knew though that there was would be no closure in justice for Jim, even if Kodos did yet live and was found, but he allowed the human to retain his illusions.


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6. _Author's note: Sorry, this is taking so long to get posted. I had a busy day and couldn't get the kidlet to go to sleep tonight for ages, but here's a little longer update…_

Sitting up more fully, Jim stretched and realized he had fallen asleep fully clothed. It reminded him again of Tarsus IV, sleeping fully dressed and never able to fully relax, never knowing when he would have a chance or need to run away in the night. After burying the memories for so many years, they were raw and on the surface.

He'd spent most of the last twelve years acting as though it had never happened, as if people he'd known hadn't died around him and he hadn't starved for weeks.

All it had taken was a seven minute psychic attack to strip that bare, and prove that his façade of normalcy was just that.

The only comfort was that no one but he and Spock knew the truth. Jim remembered what it had been like when he first returned to Earth. Classmates sending each other data files of the genocide, highlighting the few that showed Jim's face and asking probing questions in their cruelty and innocence that ripped through his tightly wound control. "How did you survive? Did you kill anyone? What did you eat?" At first he answered honestly. Eventually, he just stopped answering.

There was the well meaning teacher a year later who pointed him out as a survivor in order to connect their reading to current events, then thought nothing of the fact that reading Elie Wiesel's "Night" might hit to close to the mark for Jim. He made it through only a few chapters before refusing to finish his assignments, earning his first of many failing grades.

There were the few times he had been too drunk or too stupid not to talk about it had been worse though. Watching the change that came across a lover's face and they recalled everything they knew about Tarsus IV: the child soldiers killing innocents, the rumored eating of human flesh, the survivors that prostituted themselves to soldiers and officials to stay alive even a little longer, and all the sensationalism that have covered the data net during the trials afterwards.

Most of all, he thought of the way that person's eyes would search his, and the horror and pity in their expression. It had taught Jim never to speak about the genocide.

Spock was looking at him with neither though. He looked concerned maybe, it was hard still to decipher that stoic face, but that was all. There eyes met and Spock said, "Do you recall what you once said to me when I was yet emotionally unstable due to the destruction of my planet?"

Jim was silent for long moments. "There's no shame in surviving." he whispered softly.

"Were those words not true when you shared them with me? Why don't they apply to yourself?"

"I'm not ashamed of surviving. I'm ashamed of the things I had to do to survive," he corrected in a low tone.

Jim knew Spock had seen everything in his mind before, all the old horrors of just how far he would go to save himself and whoever was under his care, even briefly.

But Spock seemed surprised by his response, and spoke to him as sternly as Jim had ever heard him when he was dressing down a careless science officer.

"That is illogical, even for a human. You yourself kept at least three surviving children alive for 6.5 days. There were multiple times you allowed people to escape or purposefully did not kill someone when ordered before that. As far as you know you never killed another being and you ran from Kodos' service at the first survivable opportunity. In similar circumstances at such a young age, I do not believe I would have been able to remain as immune to the pressure of those around me."

His first officer looked him directly in the eyes and challenged him, "Why should you feel shame or guilt for any of those things?"

"I don't know," Jim replied softly, "I was just a kid and I know I did the best I could in the situation, but I think I will always feel that way, like it was my fault. Survivor's guilt, right?"

Spock sat quietly, mentally examining what he knew of post traumatic stress disorders and related issues. As a telepath, and a strong one even among his people, there were options open to him that no human healer could consider.

"I could… remove those memories from your mind if you wished. My telepathy is sufficient."

Shocked, Kirk actually considered the idea, and it had appeal. To lack the haunting memories. To sleep peacefully at night. To be the person he was always meant to be if he had never left Earth for the colony.

"No…" he said quietly. "I hate what I went through on Tarsus, but it made me who I am, fuck ups and all. I won't change that."

Spock gave an approving nod.

"Most logical Captain."

"It's Jim, Spock."

"Jim, then. Dr. McCoy was aware of what happened last night and he is threatening, and I quote, to "sedate everyone involved into next week" if we attempt to work today. He seemed very… serious."

Jim smiled. "You mean pissed? He's probably sorry he missed it. Bones doesn't indulge in drinking often but when he does, he's a sad drunk. He would have had us all crying and hanging on each other. He's always trying to convince me that crying over bad memories is more appropriate that fighting when drunk."

A brief flash of disgust passed Spock's face before he controlled it. "It is fortunate then that he did not join us earlier this evening, and I doubt that either response is appropriate. The preferred situation would be not to imbibe alcohol at all."

"Hnh." Jim grunted in reply, deciding he needed a shower badly before deciding what to do with the rest of the day. "I guess that would be true for you. The chocolate didn't really seem to affect you. Was Uhura pulling my leg?"

Spock looked puzzled for a moment. "Pulling your… Oh, a idiom that denotes trying to deceive another person? What Uhura told you was true. Please do not constantly try to force chocolate on me in any fashion in the future."

"Damn, he knows me too well," Jim thought to himself. It would be interesting to see if Spock would react to cocoa powder hidden in innocent looking foods in the future though.

"But it didn't affect you anyway, really…" Jim pointed out.

Spock quirked an eyebrow and flushed. Was he embarrassed?

"It most certainly did. How else do you explain the fact that I came to stay beside your bed tonight. I… was quite concerned for how you would cope with the resurgence of your experience."

Jim smiled, "A Vulcan wouldn't normally watch out for a friend?"

There was a pause, as though Spock was trying to find the correct way to phrase his response. "A Vulcan would consider such actions illogical and would deny the emotional attachment of friendship."

Standing up, Jim reached out and placed his hand on Spock's shoulder. "Good thing you're only half-Vulcan then, because I consider you a friend. You've turned into an important one these last 5 months since we met."

There went the slightly green flush again. Spock was definitely embarrassed. Now that Jim could recognize the signs he was going to have to fluster his first officer as much as possible. His version of a blush was quite interesting.

"I am honored to be held in such esteem, Captain."

Jim stretched and this time actually bothered to begin getting out of bed. "Well, no work then. I'm planning to clean up, drop by and see Bones to get something for this headache, and then I might actually feel up to eating as well. Meet me in the mess hall for breakfast?"

Spock studied him a moment before nodding. "I require sustenence as well. I trust you will force me to watch you eat something with too much sugar that involves animal flesh?"

Kirk gave him what his mother used to call his "shit-eating grin".

"Yeah! Pancakes and sausage sounds pretty good today."

Jim just knew that if Spock was completely human, the look he had just been graced with would have included rolled eyes.

"See you in the mess in an hour?"

"Indeed." Spock replied, getting up and leaving in the same outfit he had been wearing last night, only wrinkled. The ship gossip was going to love that, Jim thought. He couldn't wait to see the looks that would follow them at breakfast as a result.

Shrugging his shoulders and hearing them crack with tension, Jim headed for the bathroom.


	7. Chapter 7

_Sorry, I didn't update last night as promised. I fell asleep putting my kid to bed, which tells you I was too tired to type anyway. Hope this makes up for it ;)_

After showering and changing, Jim actually felt somewhat human again. When he finally made it to the medical lab to beg Bones for one of the few pain relief hypos that he didn't react badly to, Bones glared at him.

"When I said you and the others would need to speak to someone to help get over the experience, I was NOT telling you to get everyone drunk and pressure them into crying out their sorrows on each other. You do realize all of you still need some professional help? You damn fool!"

Jim smiled and rubbed the sore spot on his neck. Hyposprays weren't supposed to hurt, but Dr. McCoy somehow managed to make them do so when he wanted. "Hey, it's the only kind of therapy that ever worked for me."

That earned him a snort and pointed glare. "Did it really, Jim?"

Jim's smile faltered. "Maybe not. Hey Bones, can we talk more… privately?"

"In my office," the doctor said curtly, leading the way.

Once they were in the privacy of the room though, Jim didn't know how to broach the topic. How do you tell your best friend that you haven't been completely honest with them for over three years?

But it didn't seem fair for Spock to know the truth about Tarsus IV while Bones, his oldest friend on board, did not. Damn, he didn't know how to tell this though.

"Bones, you've know how you saw evidence of some kinda strange things on my medical scans that happened when I was younger? I never really explained why you saw evidence of abuse and starvation…"

"Jim, I already know."

"I know you thought you did but I let you think something that wasn't true."

"Jim, that was just my idea right after seeing the scans. Once I did some research, I realized the physical effects matched someone who had survived a severe famine and war, and there was only one situation that fit those credentials in your lifetime. I know you were on Tarsus IV as a kid."

Jim sat stunned for a moment. "Shit…so you've always known?"

"I guessed. Pretty fast. You're files were sealed with all kinds of government confidentiality blocks. It fit your physical scars and your psych profile. Sometimes you had nightmares and you talked in your sleep. Once you said something that kinda confirmed it when you were drunk too. Nothing else fit."

"So all this time I felt guilty about hiding my past from my best friend and he already knew, huh? Shit…"

"Jim, I knew you couldn't talk about it. I figured if it ever came up we'd deal with it. It came up yesterday morning huh?"

"Yeah, I had to live through it all again."

"Dammit, I'm sorry for that Jim."

"Spock came into my mind and helped me."

"He was in your mind? Betcha that scared him to death!"

"Nah…He seems pretty understanding actually. I didn't give him enough credit, or you."

"Alright, you're making me blush. I was fixing to do some minor surgery. Did you need anything else?"

"No. Just… Thanks Bones."

"Anytime Jim. Go eat something."

When he got to the mess hall it was obvious Spock had been waiting for him for awhile. "Sorry," he said with an apologetic grin, "Had to talk to Bones about some things."

Spock looked curious. "Did you tell the doctor about your… past experience?"

Jim rolled his eyes. "Bastard already knew. The guy is too damn smart."

An eyebrow arched in reply. "I hadn't noticed this characteristic of the doctor, but perhaps you are comparing him to your own intellect."

It took Jim nearly a minute to process the insult. "Hey!" he yelled out, as Uhura came and sat beside them with her own food.

"So have you heard the rumors yet?" she said with a soft smile.

Spock and Jim looked at each other, and Jim knew his eyes were panicked looking. "I'll have you know that Spock only stayed in my quarters to check on me last night!"

He felt Spock tense beside him and realized that maybe he should have listened to what the rumor was before opening his big mouth.

Uhura gaped at them for a minute and laughed without stopping for 2 entire minutes. Finally she stopped and replied "First, no one would even know if you did ever stay in each other's quarters since you share a bathroom and could simply enter and exit through it so no one would see you. Second, I was referring to the rumor that Sulu and Chekov spent the night in Hikaru's quarters, and Pavel is walking more than a little funny this morning. But please, feel free to announce whenever you do spend the night together." She said with a wink.

Kirk and Spock both sat digesting this for long minutes before they simultaneously burst out with , "I have some reports I need to go over." and "My assistance may be valuable in the science laboratories."

Uhura watched them practically run out of the mess hall and shook her head, muttering "Men!" under her breath. When Scotty and McCoy came in for lunch and sat with her, she watched their reactions to the news that Kirk and Spock had spent the night together as well. Dr. McCoy's face turned an interesting shade of red as he began calling Spock some choice words, while Scotty managed to choke on his drink and she had to pound him on the back a bit until he could speak again.

With a smirk, she decided that it would be an excellent time to speak with Hikaru and Pavel after lunch as well. She wondered how fast the two of them would run out of the room as well. She had a feeling the bridge was going to be rather tense for awhile.

She wasn't expecting the message she receiving requesting that she come to the private viewing room in the rec area again that night. Noticing Spock, Sulu and Chekov were included in the order as well, she appeared with more than a little curiosity.

Uhura had seen Kirk looking drunk, furious, flirty and teasing over the years, but she could honestly say she had never seen him look nervous, and he most certainly was now. He nodded a greeting when she entered the room and then paced until the others showed up.

Still she could never have expected what Kirk did next. None of them could have, except perhaps Spock, as she later found out he was already in on the deep, dark secret.

Jim Kirk began to speak and the words tumbled out fast, tripping over each other before he lost the courage to say them.

"Last night, I wasn't completely honest when I spoke about the experience I relived. I mean, everything I said was true, but maybe misleading. I didn't explain… enough."

"It's come to my attention that maybe you three should know about this event in my past. There is a chance that I might be emotionally compromised in a similar situation, and you might have to take over or help me deal with it. Spock knows about it, because he was in my mind yesterday, and our CMO figured it out himself, but it isn't fair for me to know you most painful memories when you don't know mine. We said it last night, but I just need to say it again. This needs to stay in our own little circle. I'm sharing information with you that is completely classified in my records."

Sulu and Chekov looked as mystified and curious as she felt. Uhura sat back to see what would happen.

Jim decided there was no point in dragging the tension out. He entered a vid chip he had downloaded that afternoon in the viewer and flipped to its title; "_The Tarsus Ten: Witnesses to Genocide."_

"This was released three years after the massacre from the classified Starfleet interviews that were done only weeks afterwards. My face was blurred to protect my identity since I was a minor. They left the voice though. This file runs hours so I'm just going to skip to my part. I was thirteen during the briefing."

Jim looked to gauge their reactions. Chekov looked confused, Sulu looked at him suspiciously and Uhura seemed downright horrified. Of course, a linguist would be familiar with the massacre that had killed Hoshi Sato.

Jim played the clip and watched detachedly as the vid began with a young teenager slumped in a padded armchair. Too thin hands clenched the armrest, white knuckled and one foot juggled nervously. Then the questioning began.

"Two of the children you helped rescue called you 'J.T.' Is that how you'd like to be addressed?"

There was a pause and then a very quiet "sure…"

"J.T., Why were you on the Tarsus IV colony?"

"I was staying with my aunt and her family. They're all dead now."

The interviewer seemed flustered by hismatter of fact tone.

"Did someone tell you that?"

"No. I saw them die. My aunt and uncle and all my cousins. I saw them fall, and I ran and hid," the boy replied in a monotone.

"I see."

"They said it was painless on the 'net broadcasts but it wasn't. They knew what was happening and they screamed. Kodos' men even killed Sara and she was only two years old."

"I'm sorry for your loss." the official commented.

The teenager shrugged and grew quiet.

"When Starfleet arrived, you were protecting three other children?"

"Yeah, Kevin and Aki and Cecelia. I found Kevin during the killings and he was the littlest. He was at the orphanage but I was afraid Kodos would kill him when I went AWOL, so I snuck him out. Aki was eight and I was ordered to kill him. I said he ran away, but really I helped him hide until we could run. Cecelia, I had just gotten free that day. Some of the guys were keeping her in the barracks, raping her instead of killing her. I offered to watch her and then I got us all to run that night."

"Most of the soldiers were my age or a little older. Kodos wanted us to be young, to follow orders I guess. He kept coming into the camp and meeting with the best killers of us or the people he had a special interest in. At the end though, he had a lot of them killed as well, to cover it all up."

The boy called J.T. was silent a moment. "Ceceilia was only eleven. She killed herself in the hospital after she found our her whole family was gone - overdosed on meds. There's only nine Tarsus witnesses now."

"Yes, it is unfortunate we weren't able to interview her as well. You are one of only nine survivors now who saw Kodos' face. Can you describe him?"

"Yes. I'll remember his face forever."

The interview dragged on and on, in the same vein. Often J.T. spoke more than was necessary, but always in the detached, emotionless tone of voice. By the time the vid ended an hour later, Chekov looked absolutely stricken, Sulu's arm was around him and Uhura had tear tracks down her cheeks.

Kirk stood in front of them awkwardly for a moment after it ended. Finally he pushed forward on pure bravado with, "So, now you know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you last night, but I didn't really know how. Sorry you had to see that…"

Suddenly he found himself surrounded. His communications officer had her arms around him and she was crying against him. Sulu was patting him gently on the back and Chekov was just leaning against his shoulder.

Jim froze and appeared at a loss. "Hey, it was a long time ago alright? It's okay."

This earned him Uhura pulling away and glaring daggers at him. "Don't pull that macho crap with me James T. Kirk! We're here and we feel like comforting you, so you just stand there and deal with it."

That earned a shadow of his usual charming smile. "Yes ma'am," he replied, "I wouldn't dream of stopping you."

"Good! She said, pulling him into another hug.

Spock looked on approvingly and noticed that Dr. McCoy had entered the room at some point as well. He had expected him to, since he may have mentioned that Jim had called them to meet with him again.

"Alright, give the man some room to breathe. He's going to come with me to medical and get something to help him relax tonight, and you all can be back on the bridge in your normal shift tomorrow." the doctor announced, making his presence known and moving around to check and see how the rest of the previous day's victims were managing. "Did you see the counselor? Good. Need anything to help you sleep tonight?"

He dispensed advice and hyposprays as needed. When he got to Spock, they studied each other a moment. "Guess you got a heart under that robot brain of yours after all. You did good with him last night."

Spock looked at him and replied simply, "My heart is located approximately 39 inches beneath my brain, which is organic matter. Also the correct English phrase would be "did well" rather than "did good" although perhaps that is a regional dialectical device and thus used purposefully."

Doctor McCoy turned away grumbling "Pointy-eared elf can't even take a compliment."

The Captain approached, and smiled at the doctor's retreating form. "I don't want to know what you and Bones were talking about. If I ever hear you have a conversation where he doesn't walk away cursing at you, I may die from shock."

Spock arched one eyebrow in response and commented, "There is little danger of that happening, now or in the future."

Jim grinned and slung an arm around his first officer's shoulder. "Walk with me back to our rooms?"

"That would be acceptable."

They made their farewells, and Kirk couldn't resist ribbing an uncomfortable looking Sulu and a blushing Chekov about where they would be spending the night, and then they left. The weight of the world was off Jim Kirk's shoulders for the first time in over 24 hours, or maybe in 13 years_._ Other people were helping support it now and the knowledge was a relief.


	8. Chapter 8

Spock walked him back to his quarters and turned to him at the door, "Are you adverse to playing chess tonight?"

Jim gave the question some serious reflection. He was emotionally exhausted yet strangely energetic, and he most definitely didn't wish to be alone.

"Sure. Sounds fun."

When they reached Jim's quarters they set up the chess board and got down to business. Still, Jim couldn't keep his mind strategy and Spock beat him in record time.

"Would you prefer to play again or rest?"

Jim decided there was no point in feigning an ability to act normally. "I won't do any better at another round, but I don't want to sleep yet."

"I could remain with you in your quarters tonight…"

"Only if you don't sleep in the chair again. Think we can both fit on that narrow coffin Starfleet calls a bed?"

"It is possible, but would my presence be beneficial or detrimental to your rest?"

"Good, I think. I…just don't want to be alone right now. I'll be fine in a few days, but I'll probably have nightmares tonight."

Spock put away the chess set and left briefly to change into sleep garments, while Jim took a shower and did the same. It felt strange, preparing for bed and knowing the other man would be joining him there. He looked at himself in the mirror and realized he was truly nervous, for the first time since he was a teenager. It was disconcerting.

Steeling his nerves, Jim unlocked the bathroom doors so Spock could reenter the Captain's quarters through the shared bathroom doors, and went to go sit in his room. He wasn't surprised when Spock followed him only moments later. He would have been able to hear when Jim finished in the bathroom.

They stood looking at each other awkwardly for a moment. Jim's hand rubbed the back of his own neck in a gesture that Spock had noticed he used when feeling self-conscious.

"It still feels strange, y'know?" Jim commented. "I've kept parts of myself closed off from people for so long and now Bones, Sulu, Uhura, and Chekov; they all _know_. And you don't just know what happened, you even saw it in my mind. It's just strange…"

Spock gave a single nod in reply, and his countenance was so typically Spock that Jim began to relax a little.

"I do offer sincere apologies for entering your mind without permission, but I deemed the situation warranted such an action."

Jim shrugged the apology off. "It's okay," he said, " It wasn't the first time I experienced a mind meld, and it didn't really hurt this time."

There was a long pause that made Jim feel nervous again. When he looked up he saw that Spock's eyes were narrowed with anger, and Jim remembered that, _oh yeah_, he wasn't supposed to mention the older time-traveling Spock thing to him. _Whoop_s.

While Jim tried to think of a way to cover up his slip, the other man made things easy for him.

"I assume that you are referring to the Ambassador Spock from an alternate time stream. I was not aware that he had melded with you, but I assure you that to do so without acquiring permission to do so first is a taboo frowned upon in Vulcan society."

It took a few seconds for Jim to realize what Spock was saying, "Wait! So you know about the other Spock? He said you couldn't ever meet! He lied!"

Spock looked slightly offended. "Vulcans do not lie. He merely… implied such in order to force us to work together."

Jim let out a short, barking laugh. "I guess I shouldn't complain then. But I am going to contact him and give him a piece of my mind."

"Indeed. You might also tell him that he should ask before initiating any future mind melds."

"Planning to." Jim responded, and found himself yawning quite widely.

"We should retire." Spock commented and they both made their way towards the sleeping platform. Jim laid against the wall, and smiled when Spock lay down beside him, but head to feet. He had brought his own pillow as well, and Jim was suddenly reminded of sleepovers he had gone to as a kid. He didn't really feel the urge to tell ghost stories in the dark tonight though.

He situated himself on the pillow, and wondered why having Spock's feet only inches from his face felt suddenly intimate. He found himself shifting again, trying to get comfortable.

Finally Spock had enough of it. "Jim, your fidgeting is a distraction. Please cease and go to sleep."

"I'm trying!" he whined in response.

Even in the dim lighting, he could see Spock's eyes crack and give him a stern look. "I can return to my own quarters if necessary…"

"No! I'll get to sleep. Just…stay, please."

Jim did his best to remain still after that, but he quickly realized it wasn't working. Finally he said, "Can I… sleep holding you? Would it bother you too much?"

Without reply, Spock shifted to lie beside him, moving so his arm was actually behind Jim's head and Jim's arm was behind his own neck.

They settled down then. Jim wasn't normally fond of cuddling, but there was something comforting about having Spock's warm body against his own. He could hear Spock's blood rushing through his veins under his ears, and the sound was comforting as a mother's heartbeat to a baby in the womb. Within moments, Jim was asleep and if he dreamt that night, he didn't remember it.

Hours later, he awoke and had trouble placing where he was. Spock had moved out of bed, and he could hear noises coming from the bathroom. By the time Spock returned to the bed, Jim was wide awake.

Jim lay back down, and suddenly it felt like it would be unbearably awkward if they returned to their previous positions. So they simply lay looking at one another instead. There was a tension between them, and Jim was finally ready to recognize it for what it was. The sexual tension had been building between them for months, but it seemed there was little chance that it would stay unresolved, now that they were here in the same bed.

"I know you were with Uhura, but had you had a lot of relationships before her?" Jim asked, curiously.

Spock looked affronted, "Unlike you, I have indulged in sexual intimacy with only a handful of beings."

Jim grinned unashamedly in return. "So my reputation as a man whore precedes me, huh?"

Spock glared, and Jim's tone became more serious. "You'd be my first Vulcan," he said softly.

Spock's eyes glared harder, and Jim realized that maybe the expression didn't denote anger but instead sheer possessiveness.

"Your _only_ Vulcan, " Spock emphasized.

Jim reached up to brush the other man's face with his fingers and answered seriously, "I think that could be arranged."

The hand that was touching Spock's face was suddenly captured and clasped strongly in Spock's warm hand.

"Jim, I do not take this lightly…" Spock said in a warning tone.

"Neither do I, Spock." Jim said in return.

And then there were hands touching faces, and lips meeting. Jim found himself grasping and sucking on and flesh that met his hands and mouth, and it was perfect, beyond perfect. It was the single most intense night of Jim's life, with Spock's telepathy linking them together, and at the end there was only a sense of the rightness of being together. He couldn't have said if the "_Yes_!" that echoed in his mind originated with Spock or himself, only that it was the beginning of something he couldn't define, and didn't want to end.

At some point, they fell asleep wrapped around each other.

Jim woke with a start the next morning, flailing and suddenly finding himself on the floor, with an amused looking Vulcan staring down at him from the bed.

"You have a most uncommon method of getting out of bed, Jim" Spock commented.

Jim glared up at him in return and muttered "Smartass," as he picked himself off the floor and maneuvered back onto the narrow bed.

Spock arched an eyebrow and one side of his mouth quirked as he replied, "My ass, as you put it, is not smarting this morning." Jim glared in reply since he couldn't say the same. He'd have to remedy that situation tonight in revenge.

Hmm… So this was Spock in a good mood, Jim realized. In a good, the-world-is-great-'cause-he-just-got-laid mood. Apparently, it involved a lot of sarcasm. Jim could live with that.

Jim stretched back out beside Spock and let out a huge yawn. He placed a hand on Spock's chest and smiled at the dark curls there. "You have a very hairy chest," He commented. Spock went still and Jim realized he had hit a nerve of some kind. Were Vulcans normally hairy? It may have been one more thing that singled him out growing up among pure Vulcans.

"I can use a removal treatment if you do not find it attractive," he said stiffly. Jim tightened his grip and pulled a bit for emphasis as he replied, "I live hairy chests on a guy! Much more interesting than when guys use hair growth preventers on every bit of their bodies."

He felt the tension leave the other man's body and realized they both had a lot to learn about each other. The idea didn't make Jim want to run screaming the way it normally would with a lover. He'd known since the meeting with Spock's older self that this was a friendship, a relationship, that he wouldn't be able to fight. The man beside was a mystery, one that he wanted to spend time trying to solve. It was… fascinating.

Spock was doing the almost-smiling thing again and he commented, "Many of your friends were worried about you after last night. Dr. McCoy has ordered you to stop by sickbay, and Lt. Uhura and Sulu have both asked if you would appear on the bridge today. Ensign Chekov left breakfast outside our door this morning with the request you eat it."

Jim laughed, imagining Spock fielding their crew members in an attempt to let Jim sleep in. "What did you tell them?"

"That I was monitoring your health, both mental and physical, quite closely and would inform them if there was any reason for concern."

Spock held up two fingers, and Jim copied the gesture, until Spock touched them together with a slow, stroking motion. It sent shivers down his spine, and he wondered what it did to his lover's more sensitive hands.

"It feels like a deep kiss. Warm and gently arousing," Spock noted.

"You're reading my mind," Jim chided, even though he knew Spock was a touch telepath and could hardly help it.

"I will be able to do so very easily now. I've been in your mind deeply, Jim. After last night, there will always be a connection between us," Spock told him, suddenly looking very serious. Did he think Jim would reject him now?

Jim took a deep breath. "I've been alone a lot of my life, even when I was surrounded by people. I'm pretty messed up, and you may not always like what you find in my mind…"

"Your mind is most fascinating Jim. I have seen nothing that does not intrigue me."

"So, think we can play hooky for a few more hours? I'd love a little more private time before we face the ship."

"I think that can be arranged, Jim. What did you plan to do with this _private time_?"

"Why don't you meld with me and find out?"

They didn't leave their quarters until midday, but no one seemed to mind.

**Epilogue**

Later, when Ambassador Spock called them to come to New Vulcan immediately, and there he met an actor who called himself Anton Karidian and his twelve year old daughter Lenore, Jim was grateful that he had five other people who knew why he reacted the way he did and what his history was with Kodos the executioner. His first officer and lover helped detained the man and kept Jim from doing anything rash while the authorities investigated.

Only a few months later, He stood beside Thomas Leighton, Kevin Riley and the other witnesses who had survived the massacre and their own survivor's guilt long enough to see justice served in a federation courtroom. The former governor Kodos was sentenced to spend his life on a long term rehabilitation center reserved for the most heinous of criminals.

No one was surprised to find that Kodos died under mysterious circumstances during transport, and Jim could finally go on with his life without always feeling that Kodos had gotten away with his crimes.

And if sometimes during their missions, they were called on to help a planet suffering famine or some other disaster that caused him to relive his experience on Tarsus IV, he had friends to help him deal with the situation and who understood why he was having difficulty coping.

Especially his best friend, who could soothe him with a gentle mind touch or distract him physically until there were no thoughts of the past in his mind, only the present and a future with Spock, the man he loved, always at his side.


End file.
